Why You Must Never Anger A Mafia Boy
by BlackGeneralNocturna
Summary: Archer has wronged Proton too many times so he gets his 'friends' Saturn, Tabitha, and Matt to help him get his revenge. Was this really a good idea? Involves cute (S)kitties, terrible aim, mean mafia boys and marker pens. Rated T for Proton and Archer's potty mouths. Also includes implied slash/yaoi and immaturity as well as pure randomness.


**I apologise in advance for this crack oneshot, I just wanted to write something with Proton Saturn and Tabitha in. And it turned out like this. Sorry if there is missing punctuation the format screwed up and whilst I try to fix it I might miss some things.**

The youngest executive and the cat eared commander turned to look at the door from their 'scheming desk' just in time to see Tabitha dash through the door, the admin in question bent over to catch his breath and Saturn looked concerned taking his inhaler from his backpack whilst Proton shook his head looking irritated. "S-Sorry I'm late... S-Stuff happened..." he wheezed, giving Saturn a weary grateful smile before using his inhaler looking even paler than usual, Proton snorted and looked out the door.

"You and Matt were heading here together yeah? He said you got sidetracked but I didn't think by 'sidetracked' he meant by half an hour!"

"It's... Not... My fault..." the magma gasped out as the galactic sat him down on one of the four chairs kitted out.

"What happened Tabs?" Saturn murmured as he waved his hand in front of his face, checking he wasn't feeling dizzy.

"Well you see..."

"You saw a doughnut stand and couldn't resist," Proton interrupted, looking pissed. "No one makes Proton waste his time for no good reason, Tubby!" The short slightly overweight man looked as if he had told him Maxie or Courtney had died, the blue haired man glared at the rocket he reluctantly called his friend thanks to times like this.

"Oi don't be mean! Even if Tab uh... needs to try working out with Matt... you can't falsely accuse him like that!" he pat Tabitha on the shoulder as he sniffed. "What happened?"

"I-I told Matt to go ahead without me because I saw a pokemon I wanted to catch, then when I caught it some idiot swiped it and one of my other pokemon from me... It took a while to get them back..."

"See? Nothing to do with food!" Saturn stuck his tongue out at Proton who looked like he was considering kicking them out and just carrying out his awesome plan alone. "Hey Tabs did you remember to bring that certain Pokemon we asked you to? Otherwise this would be difficult."

Tabitha nodded having calmed down and looked around. "Where's Matt by the way?"

"Kidnapping Archer," Proton murmured. He wanted to get Archer for humiliating him in the most horrible way. No one beated Proton at Dance Dance Revolution. "We wouldn't have needed you if we had chloroform or something, sadly though I'm banned from all stores selling it."

Tabitha and Saturn had the feeling they didn't want to know why.

"And we couldn't make Matt knock him out either or we'd end up paying his hospital bills." Proton sighed. "So we have to rely on you. Its a shame Homura couldn't come, he could KO people with frying pans without causing internal bleeding."

"Why can't Homura come again?" Saturn piped up, Tabitha laughed.

"Brodie dyed his hair whilst he was sleeping and now it looks like off cotton candy. He's refusing to go out until it washes out."

The galactic commander laughed and Proton rolled his eyes. "He is such a coward. His friend full on crossdresses and he's scared to be seen with pink hair?"

"Would you be seen in public with pink hair?" Saturn asked and Proton shrugged.

"Already happened, Archer did the exact same thing Brodie did to Homura. More reason to get revenge on him. Now please can you go see if Matt is actually kidnapping Archer and didn't get distracted by a Butterfree or something on the way? I need a few minutes free from your ugly mugs."

Tabitha and Saturn exchanged glances that suggested Proton would be forced into a 2 vs 1 double battle if he didn't stop being horrid and went off to find Matt. Out of earshot Tabitha murmured to Saturn.

"Hey why does Proton want revenge anyway nya?"

"Apparently beating your boyfriend in DDR is against the law."

* * *

Soon they returned with Matt, who had a struggling Archer thrashing in his hold, his kicks having no effect on the very large very muscular man. Saturn was trying to stay out of kicking range and Tabitha looked like he rather be back in Hoenn, seeing his pissy cousin with anger issues fight with his on and off boyfriend was less dangerous than getting on the bad side of a former mafia boss, even if he was actually only a mafia boss's whiny sidekick. Though Saturn's Kadabra could disable the memory of him being there, although it couldn't use Hypnosis so that was the main reason Tabitha was there.

"W-What the fuck are you doing with me Proton? Is this for that time when I put panties on you whilst you were sleeping?"

As Saturn Tabitha and Matt looked at the blue haired rocket with confusion Proton flushed red and glared a death glare at him. "I knew that was you! Ariana thought it was Petrel but no, of course it was you, you little pervert!" He took a deep breath to calm himself, slapping a sadistic smile on his face. "Nope, this is for the time you beat me at Dance Dance Revolution. And that time you dyed my hair whilst I was sleeping. And that time you put me into a dress after we got drunk. And-"

"You guys really need to see a relationship counsellor," Saturn deadpanned, Tabitha nodded quickly in response and Matt just blanked out. The two rockets gave them extremely dirty looks and Proton stomped his heavy boot on Archer's foot (which was only protected by fluffy bunny slippers as Matt had broken into his room whilst he was half asleep and lounging around and abducted him, Saturn and Tabitha soon saw him trying to catch a Butterfree that distracted him with an iron grip still on Archer), making him screech and the admins of the other teams wince.

"Whatever, Tabitha knock him out!"

"Y-Yes Proton!" Tabitha quickly grabbed a pokeball off his belt and almost dropped it, quickly tossing it at Archer, the ball nailed him in the eye. "O-Oops, uh go Sk-" A very friendly looking Houndour came out and started licking Archer s poorly eye better (though of course his dog germ filled saliva instead made it sting like a Beedrill sting), Tabitha laughed nervously as Archer screamed. "Whoops, sorry..." He kept the houndour out, quickly getting another pokeball and tossing it. It hit Archer in the other eye and left him screeching like a Banette as the friendly Houndour tried licking it better, he quickly returned the puppy. "U-Uh go Skitty?"

A cute pink kitten came out and whilst Proton wondered why a respectful admin of a villainous team had a Pokemon that looked like a plushie, Matt started cheering.

"And Makuhita Man sends out Skitty! Who will win, the evil bully Archer or the adorable cuddly-"

"Shut up!" Tabitha squealed with a bright red face, Skitty looked at her trainer and his... uh... friend? with confusion before shrugging and looking at the rocket man with two black eyes with somehow less confusion. "Skitty use sing!"

Skitty nodded and let out a pretty sound as everyone but Archer and Matt (who's hands were busy restraining him) covered their ears. Archer stared at her blankly and Proton looked livid.

"Why is he not asleep?"

Tabitha frowned as he looked up in thought before grinning sheepishly and letting out an awkward laugh. "I guess it missed."

And Proton exploded, Matt and Saturn took a step away from him as he turned red in the face and screeched "How the FUCK does Sing MISS?! It's SOUND!"

Tabitha held his hands up in front of him protectively, smiling a weak smile. "H-Hey, calm down. Not my fault it only has 55% accu-"

"Don't break the fourth wall!" Saturn cried, Matt looked at him puzzled before patting his hair, one arm still slowly suffocating a somewhat scared somewhat fed up Archer. "Please don't do that..."

"Hey Tabi his hair looks like a.. What were the Sinnoh Skitties called again?"

Tabitha shrugged, trying to calm down after Proton almost gave him a heart attack. "Dunno, ask Saturn he's from Sinnoh."

"You mean Glameow?" Saturn instantly regretted responding as Matt pat his hair again and laughed.

"You are now Glameow Man!"

"Arceus kill me now," Saturn murmured pathetically, Proton groaned and his green eyes turned red with anger.

"Come on already! You are all being sidetracked! Put the bastard to sleep already!"

"Guess you never heard of the saying 'Patience is a virtue..." Tabitha pointed at the extremely pained extremely annoyed Archer. "Skitty use Sing!" Again nothing happened. Proton twitched and Matt's face brightened up.

"I have an idea! We'll encourage her and it'll boost her accuracy!"

"That's not going to work," Proton grumbled, Saturn shrugged.

"Won't hurt to try." He then squealed as Matt dragged him out of the room, Proton stared awkwardly after them and Tabitha brought a hand to his face.

"I think I know what he's planning. And trust me when I say, if you think you've seen anything more bizarre, you must have been dreaming."

The green haired man tilted his head. "Hey I doubt it. It's not like they're going to come back in with cheerleader uni-"

Matt, dressed up in a cheerleader uniform, charged back in dragging Saturn, the poor guy also wearing a cheerleader uniform, with him.

"You have got to be shitting me."

"How did they get dressed that fast?" the almost blind Archer mumbled, Tabitha shook his head in disbelief whilst Skitty looked at the cheerful Matt and the extremely embarrassed Saturn in confusion.

"Okay uh... Skitty let's give it one more try." Skitty looked at Archer with uncertainty and Matt took this as his cue, Saturn sighed a shaky sigh and followed suit.

"Skitty Skitty she's our girl, if she can't KO them nothing can!"

Proton excused himself to go look for a bottle of bleach.

"Skitty kitty let's go Sing, hit it for a crit and knock him out with a ping!"

Archer welcomed whatever punishment Proton had in mind with open arms, it couldn't be as bad as being forced to hear this.

"Skitty Skitty you're our girl, now send Arker into a dreamy whirl!" Saturn was honestly just miming. He had never felt so embarrassed. Archer wondered if Matt even knew his name wasn't 'Arker'. Tabitha thought it was lucky Matt was a funny handsome giant or he would have probably suffocated him by now.

Skitty looked pumped though, ready to go. Tabitha erased from his mind the disturbing sight he just witnessed and pointed at Archer.

"You do know it's rude to point don't you..."

"Skitty use Sing!"

And Skitty opened her mouth and let out a beautiful lullaby.

* * *

Proton came back to see all four men on the ground, Skitty looking at them confused before shrugging and curling up to sleep. He sighed and sent out a Poliwhirl he had caught because he thought this would happen. "Wake Up Slap." And that was how his 'allies' woke up with bright red cheeks.

"Meanie... Bully... Jackass..." Tabitha murmured as he rubbed his cheek, ignoring Proton's glare. He might be becoming immune to it. Though he really wished they could have called Blaise or Mitch or Homura or ANYONE ELSE instead of him. But no, because Homura didn't want to be seen with pink hair, and he placed Brodie under house arrest for doing it, Mitch spent way too much time with his girlfriend Flannery and Blaise had according to Courtney fell through a portal though frankly that was unbelievable. And Proton still seemed to think most girls had cooties so he refused to let Courtney or Shelly or Saturn's coworkers help him. And all the bosses, apart from Archie but he was sailing around looking for something apparently, seemed to think pulling pranks on a former executive was immature.

"At least you seem to be growing some balls. Alright so Archer is unconscious. You know what we're going to do next?" Proton said, the others shook their heads and he grinned as he took a huge box of permanent markers out from under his desk.

Saturn's eyes shined at the realisation they were actually going to do something fun. "We're going to doodle all over him?"

"Yep, I was planning for us honestly to cover him in makeup force him into a dress and either dye his hair or put a wig on him, but Petrel had something happening today apparently. And Brodie phoned me up way too early in the morning to say he was sentenced to the naughty corner all day. So there went our make-up artists and dress-suppliers because I sure as Hell wasn't going out to buy one. I have pride you know."

"So you're willing to seen with pink hair but not buying a dress? That's pretty odd," Saturn murmured, Tabitha and Matt nodded in agreement.

"You could have said it was a present for a relative if anyone asked," Matt said, always the logical one even if he did some crazy stuff. Proton stared at them blankly.

"... Oh yeah." He shook his head and got a permanent marker, unbuttoning Archer's shirt to write a naughty word on his chest. "Whatever, I kept something from one of the last times he pulled a prank on me. Just cover every inch of his body in scribbles and I'll force him in it."

The others looked at each other warily before shrugged, getting markers and doodling on the heavily sleeping executive. As soon as they finished their work of art Proton dragged him to the bathroom to get him changed and Saturn grinned to himself.

"That was fun, I drew a full back portrait of my Master Cyrus plush!"

"And I drew Skitty munching on a lava cookie on his stomach!" Tabitha chirped.

"And I drew a comic of him getting chased by Beedrill on his leg!" As Saturn gave Matt a questionable look Tabitha just laughed.

"Hey it's not as weird as what Proton scribbled on the top back of his thighs. And Matt COULD have drawn worse. At least he didn't draw sex organs all over him like some immature people may!"

Saturn grinned awkwardly pretending that Proton hadn't asked him to draw 'something' on his cheek and on the back of his calves.

* * *

When Archer woke up he was horrified to find himself covered in scribbles of rude words, cats, bees, plushes and phallic objects, wearing a polka dot bikini. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! PROTON I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU, YOU GREEN HAIRED TWIT!"


End file.
